


How to Make Friends and Humanize Aliens

by Nicnac



Category: Smallville
Genre: Gen, He's still kind of a dick though, Humor, I wish Clark was this smart in canon, Parody, Seriously it would solve a lot of problems, So not totally OOC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-04 09:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicnac/pseuds/Nicnac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five easy steps to thwarting a hostile Kandorian takeover</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Make Friends and Humanize Aliens

_Step One: Be Clear about Your Aims. Communication is key in any relationship._

“Kneel before Kal-El,” Zod commanded and all the Kandorians dropped to their knees.

Clark looked at them in silence for a few moments before speaking. “Rise,” he said.

Once they were all standing, he continued. “My name is Kal-El of Krypton, son of Jor-El and Lara. I am here to help you.” Excited murmurings burst out at that, but Clark spoke over them. “My other name is Clark Kent, son of Jonathan and Martha Kent. I am also here to protect the humans from you.”

The quiet murmurs erupted into loud exclamations of betrayal and disbelief. Clark just stood there, face impassive, and watched.

Finally Zod made his voice heard above the din. “Silence! I order you all to be silent!” he roared, glowering at the Kandorians.

Once a semblance of order had been reached, Zod turned his formidable glare on Clark, who still refused to react. “Explain yourself Kal-El.”

_Step Two: Empathize With Them. People like people who are like them._

“I know how you all must be feeling right now,” Clark responded, letting compassion bleed into his tone. “You’re alone and scared. You’re afraid of what could happen if anyone finds out truth. It’s how I felt when I first found out I wasn’t human.” The response to his statement was mixed. Some of them seemed to warm to him while others were angry at his perceived condescension.

“I know it isn’t the same,” Clark said. “I lived here my whole life; I don’t even remember Krypton. But you all have something I never had, you have each other.” Clark paused to let that sink in before finishing with. “And you have me.

_Step Three: Reassure Them of Your Good Intentions. Establishing trust is always of utmost importance._

“I’m going to do whatever I can to help you.” Clark stated decisively.

“So you claimed Kal-El. Right before you declared your intention to stop us. Which is it?” Zod demanded.

“Both,” Clark responded. “I want to help you, but not at the expense of the humans. As long as you intend them no harm to them then I will give you whatever support I can.”

“And what form can we expect that support to take?” asked Zod. “What are you willing to sacrifice for the humans at our expense?”

_Step Four: Let Them Know Their Options. Everyone wants to feel like they have control._

 “I’m not going to sacrifice anyone’s wellbeing for the sake of anyone else, be it human or Kandorian,” Clark said. “I’d like to help you all be able to feel like you can call Earth your home. Get you documents, jobs, whatever you need to make a life here.” Most of the Kandorians seemed interested in the prospect, but some still appeared unhappy.

“You would have us try to blend in with the humans?” Zod scoffed.

“Yes,” Clark replied. “I think it’s the best way. But if you’d prefer to live in isolation amongst yourselves I’ll do my best to make that happen.”

“And what of our powers Kal-El? We have not been granted the powers we are supposed to have under yellow sun; will you help us obtain what is rightfully ours?”

_Step Five: Warn Them What Could Happen if They Cross You. A vague disclaimer is nobody’s friend._

“No,” said Clark firmly, raising another babble of protest. “And I find out any of you are trying to find a way to harness those abilities then I will stop you. I’ve seen what happens when people suddenly get special abilities. People I’ve know and trust for years, people I’ve loved, and they still went mad with power.”

“So you would instead leave us vulnerable?”

“I will be your protector,” stated Clark. “If the humans ever try to hurt you for who you are I will hunt them down make them stop. But don’t misunderstand me, if I find out that any of you are hurting humans then I will show you no mercy. Do we have an understanding?”

For a few long tense moments the Kandorians watched as Zod and Clark attempted to stare each other down. Then, suddenly, a smile broke out across Zod’s face.

“I think my friend,” Zod said, sticking out his hand, which Clark grasped and shook firmly, “that we can work something out.”

_Congratulations! You’ve just successfully thwarted a hostile Kandorian takeover!_


End file.
